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• Niq & Jess • Episode 16

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What if a comedy show could offer comfort and chaos all at once? Join us as we unravel the captivating layers of "How to Die Alone," a series that defies traditional comedic expectations. Jess and I dive into our personal takes on comfort shows, with Jess finding solace in its familiarity, while I feel more anxious about the whirlwind that is Melissa's life. Our exploration takes us through the poignant storytelling and character complexity, focusing on Melissa, an airport worker navigating the tumultuous aftermath of personal loss and a surreal near-death experience.

Our discussion takes a fascinating turn into the world of magical realism and pacing. We dissect a mesmerizing scene involving Percocet that uses unique choreography to portray an altered state of perception. The conversation gets even more intriguing as we question the "magical Negro" trope within a predominantly Black cast and consider the show's rapid succession of personal crises that keep viewers on the edge of their seats. With Elise Robinson's influence and pivotal life events shaping Melissa's journey, we unearth how these elements contribute to a narrative that is both engaging and thought-provoking.

Loneliness and self-worth take center stage as we delve into Melissa's emotional struggles. From the heart-wrenching moment of realizing she's her own emergency contact to the fractured dynamics with her brother, the series paints a vivid picture of isolation amidst chaos. We ponder her financial battles, identity dilemmas, and the exhausting facades she maintains in her relationships. Through Melissa's narrative, we uncover the poignant themes of authenticity, external perceptions versus internal realities, and the quest for genuine self-understanding.

Contact Niq & Jess

Niq:

Hi guys, welcome to next episode with your host, Niq, and I'm Jess, and today we're going to be discussing how to die alone. Yes, so, jess, can you give them like a quick story on how we chose this show as the next show to cover?

Jess:

Well, we went over several shows that felt really heavy, like they were really good shows but they had like a lot of harsh themes, a lot of some had some violence, a lot of murder, things like that. So we needed a palate cleanser, something to kind of lighten the mood. So I suggested one of my comfort shows, which is how to Die Alone, as a palate cleanser.

Niq:

This show did not cleanse my palate, like I'm going to say, and I say that as I really, really enjoyed the show, but there was a lot of seriousness. It's a comedy, it is it's a comedy After your reflection.

Jess:

I went back and looked it up. I'm like, no, it is definitely listed as a comedy. Some places say dramedy, but you know, and I think that's fair.

Niq:

It's a comedy. I'm not saying that it's not a comedy, but it deals with a lot of heavy stuff. This could not be a comfort show for me. How do you define your comfort show?

Jess:

Honestly, I kind of fall into them. It's a show that feels comforting for me to watch. So even way before we decided we were going to cover this show, I watched it and then I immediately watched it again and then I just kept watching it. I've actually watched the show so many times I can't even tell you how many times I've watched it. And that's what makes it a comfort show to me that when I can't think of anything else to watch or I just don't have the energy to start something new, I rewatch this show. It's one of the shows that I rewatch. I have several comfort shows, but that's what a comfort show is to me. Something about this show is comforting. So let me give a brief overview.

Jess:

The show follows Melissa, who is an airport worker. Her life is a total mess when we start the show. She's lost the love of her life a couple of years ago, but he's getting married and it just kind of puts a tailspin on everything. She has a near-death experience which then pushes her to transform her life. It is a comedy at the airport, but I don't know. I think so. I say that to say I think Melissa, the main character, who is a fat Black woman and that is very much a part of who she is in the show. I think just seeing that is comforting to me.

Niq:

Okay, because I agree with your definition of comfort shows. I do like it is something predictable. I think is why it's out like I've watched my comfort shows every year for x amount of years. I know exactly what's going to happen. Even if the show is tense because I already know the ending, I still find comfort in it. So yes, we do have the same definition. I guess this show for me would not be a comfort show and I think it's for the, for the same reason why you find it a comfort show is the same reason it could never be a comfort show for me.

Niq:

I do relate strongly with the character, but her life is in such a mess that it gives me anxiety oh wow, okay, like you know what I mean, like that feeling of being stuck and everything is falling apart and having to build yourself up from the ground. It gives me, even while I'm enjoying watching the show, it gives me intense anxiety. I worry about her. I worry about her choices, the choices that she makes. I would never make those choices, which typically is not a problem for me with other characters but I think it is so easy to put myself in her shoes that when she does something that I would never do, I'm like what, what are we doing here? Our life is already a mess. We've already got all these issues. Why are you making it worse? What are you doing? So, yeah, that it's.

Niq:

It's like when I was watching this show, I had to call you and I'm like um, you said. And also, I would like to point out she does not have a near-death experience. She dies for three minutes. That is not a near-death experience. That that is a death experience. She just happened to come back.

Jess:

She came back to life. That's what she's not dead.

Niq:

And it's also in the first episode. And so the way you describe the show like, oh, this is my comfort show, it'll be a palate cleanser from all of the heavy shows that we have been watching. And whereas in some ways it's not as heavy as the shows that we've been watching, because it does have a comedy basis, she dies in the first episode. You were gonna take that so hard. It traumatized me for so many reasons, and so I'll get more into the reasons why the death traumatized me later on.

Niq:

But I'm just saying like I had to call you and say are you sure am I watching the right show? Because I don't. I don't think. I thought, like when we talked about the show, I'm like, oh, you know, it's someone who needs a change in their life and I thought I was going to be watching a show. But like this woman who like goes on like this, traveling around the country, finding herself or maybe around the world, having these experiences and they were going to change her outlook on life. And then when I get there and I start the show and I'm like this woman is like this is gonna sound terrible, she's kind of a loser, like she's like her.

Niq:

she's kind of like a loser and I'm just like what are we doing here? What are we doing? I did enjoy the show. I do love the character of Melissa. I do too. It was a shock to my system because it's not what I envisioned the show to be, and you know what? Honestly, I don't get shocked that often these days. So I guess it was a good experience, but I just it really kind of threw me for a loop.

Jess:

Yeah, I know you definitely took a lot of it. I guess to me it balances the heavy moments with comedy. It just always feels light, even when we're dealing with something that's really heavy or dark. That's why I'm like I guess I did not respond that well. Even the way she's learning about what happened to her it's comedic. She wakes up in the hospital, the doctors are rounding on her teaching and they're saying stuff in the craziest way. So it's funny. It feel it still feels light to me. There's a heavy moment but there's always going to be a light moment right afterwards.

Niq:

I don't know, I just yeah, I mean the show like, because the show literally that we were watching right before this, um we had to take a break from because it was so heavy, um, and so, yes, this show is like I said, this show is a comedy, but it was for me, I guess I it was like trauma first, levity second, and I think when you watch it it's levity first and trauma second.

Jess:

Yeah, I mean. Even sometimes the traumatic parts are still intertwined with the comedy.

Niq:

But that's so interesting to me because a lot of times we are so aligned with how we experience things. Yes, it's just like. This is, like, so interesting to me. We watched the same show and had different visceral reactions to it, and this is the show of all of the different shows we've watched like. This is the show where I feel like I'm on one side of the mirror and you're on the other side, and that's interesting because we both enjoyed the show.

Jess:

But we definitely had different experiences while watching the show Absolutely, because it's still a comfort show for me, I still have watched it. I've watched it twice since we talked about it earlier this week.

Niq:

I have watched it twice and I think I would only watch it again if I'm watching it with my husband, because I think that we could have really interesting conversations about it, and so I would be willing to watch it. I mean, I wouldn't say that I would never watch it again, but it's not on my rewatch list unless it serves a purpose, like I said.

Jess:

Okay and then. But there's a season two coming too.

Niq:

I thought it was just a one-off. I okay, that makes me more happy than you know be, and I know we'll get to that. But I wanted to talk to you about because I just I thought it was a one-off. I I was so concerned about how the show ended. I have so many questions, so very many questions. So that is very exciting. So we'll get to. We'll talk more about that later, but I'm very. That makes me very happy because I don't, like you know, I like closure and I have, like I said, I have a ton of questions, so that's exciting. That makes me super happy.

Jess:

Yeah, so okay, kind of going into. So one of the things that I feel like makes it feel light to me is the way the story so it's like. I feel like. So this is the main actress. The lead in this show is played by Natasha Rothwell, but she's also one of the main writers, showrunners, like this is her show, this is Natasha's show, and I love the way she tells this story, which also, I think, adds celebrity for me, because there's an element of magical realism in the show and so like, while she's telling these really difficult stories, sometimes it'll break off into a dance, break off, but you're still experiencing what she's experiencing through this. Or you can kind of she'll flash back and you'll like and like it has like a dreamy overview and you go into the flashback or something like that. Or even if stuff that has not happened or will not happen, you just it's almost like you see a representation of her thoughts yes, I was gonna say, it's her inner monologue made real, made real, and I love that element of the show.

Jess:

That's also what I love interesting ways of telling stories. So I love the way that this story is told, which, again, like I said, that adds to the levity for me personally.

Niq:

So I also enjoy the magical realism. I love magical realism in books, I love it in shows and in movies. So I did enjoy that and I loved it. It was like a way to connect to her emotionally. And I'm going to tell you, my favorite one was when she took the Percocet Me too, and so you can feel the effects. Took the Percocet Mine too and like so like you can feel the effects of the Percocet, like as she's going through, like it's like this dance that she's doing with like people around her and you kind of just it makes you feel you know how the Percocet's making.

Niq:

And here's the thing I have taken Percocets before Like I had like a tooth pulled. I taken Percocets before like I had like a tooth pulled. I had like other stuff. I have never experienced that and I know that there are people who abuse Percocets and I could never understand that because I'm just like, am I missing something here? It has never been anything more than it kind of dulled my pain. I'm like why I've never had this like euphoric experience with Percocets and I'm just like why I've never had this euphoric experience with Percocets and I'm just like I don't know. I also know that I'm not someone who enjoys taking drugs. It really is not my thing. But when she was taking that I was kind of a little bit jealous during that sequence Because I'm like man Percocets have never made me feel that way.

Jess:

And I can't say that Percocet specifically, but I definitely have had like drugs that I've gotten after surgeries that made me feel like loopy, like that. You know what I mean, but I enjoyed that too. That is like one of my favorite elements of Metro. The choreography yes, the jerky. This movements the up and down. You know what I mean, how she's seeing the world differently while she's on it and the sharp change when she starts coming down from the Percocet. I loved that. Oh, I love that one.

Niq:

Yeah, that was my favorite one. Okay, so now I have a question to ask, being that you know there are aspects of magical realism. Do you consider the character Elise Robinson, who she meets in the hospital? Do you consider her like a magical Negro? And can they be a magical Negro if the person they're also talking to is a Negro?

Jess:

No, I don't think so. I don't think they can be a magical Negro, if you're also. If you're, if this is not just because not if it's one Black person talking to another, but this is a Black cast, this is a Black, while there are people who are not Black in the film, it's very Black and I think the magical Negro concept comes from. That is the only that's. That character's only function in a White world to me, Okay, but she is vagravancing her though.

Jess:

She is, but, like I guess, I still don't see it as that trope, because there are other people. There are people who lift her up, there are people who pull her down. It's not like we're in this completely white setting and then this magical Negro comes along whose only function is to make the white person's life better. Otherwise you're not in our world. All the characters play different parts in lifting her up, pulling her down, all this kind of stuff, but they're all Black, not all Black.

Niq:

I know specifically that it doesn't hit all the points of the Magical Negro, but the lady pops in, drops heavy, heavy, like spiritual kind of, like knowledge on her, gives her like a purpose and you know it's kind of is the is the cat, is the start of her journey towards better and then the woman immediately dies.

Jess:

She does, but her presence is still through the rest of the show.

Niq:

Yes, she does keep her presence through the rest of the show. Yes, she does keep her presence through the rest of the show, but once again it's as a spiritual guy. It's going to be a little vagabond, which I don't have a problem with, I don't have an issue with, but I think it kind of. I think it fits in because of the magical realism. Already it's just like that. She's like almost like a fairy godmother.

Jess:

Yeah, I don't think I'm better than magical Negro, but yeah, I don't know, because I think of. I think what I associate that trope with is like more of a usury kind of nature of Black people and it did not feel like that to me.

Niq:

I agree it did not feel like that, but when I saw the show I thought I'm like man. Can you have a magical Negro if everybody's a Negro Is what I thought, because I'm just like she. It felt very magical, spiritual God.

Jess:

Yeah, and she still can be like an, and I think she's supposed to be an inspirational figure, she's supposed to be a God to them. But like she's not the only thing that changes her either, like that near death experience still is a big catalyst and she was unhappy. She was unhappy. And what is it? What's his name? Alex getting married, her ex getting married, like all of these things happening at the same time fuel this change. It's not just you know, at least coming in almost like um you know what I mean like the ghost of christmas past.

Niq:

Like you need to change so, since we're talking about everything happening at once, I want to talk about pacing in this show, because in the first episode, as we say, she dies, but before she dies, she finds out that her ex is getting married. It's her birthday.

Jess:

It is her birthday. Yeah, that's true. I forgot that one.

Niq:

They sent the invitation on her birthday. That irritated me, but whatever. So it's her birthday and she finds out that her ex is getting married. She has birthday plans with her best friend, who cancels on her, and that's how she ends up at home putting together furniture, which leads to her death, even though it was only three minutes, and she wakes up in the hospital and the episode is not even over. All of that happens, and this is a 30 minute show. That's 45, oh is it?

Jess:

it goes by so fast it does, maybe it is 30 minutes. The whole thing is like 4 hours. So yeah, you're right, 30 minutes.

Niq:

I rewatched the entire season and the time that it took me to meal prep today. I'm like it's got to be a 30 minute show. Yeah, that's true, and all of that happens, and the episode is not over and she's not even done being devastated, mm-hmm, like they really pack a lot in these episodes.

Jess:

Yeah.

Niq:

Like, but how do you do you feel like it was on fast forward? Like, do you? Because, like, once again, this is my first time watching the show and in my mind, as I'm watching it, you're telling me this is a comfort show, this is like a light show. You know, like this will give you some, you know, a breather from all the more serious shows. And I'm like I'm meeting this girl and I'm like, oh, she seems fun, she's great at her job. You know, you start out like, oh my gosh, like she's so fun and she's so cool. And then you get you see the wedding invitation and you're like, oh, man, that's messed up. And then you get you see the wedding invitation and you're like, oh, man, that's messed up. And then you see, well, she has planned for her birthday. And then you see her, her best friend, stand her up and like, man, that's messed up. And then she dies. I feel like rather violently. I know you said you felt like the death was comedic, but it felt very, very kind of violent to me.

Jess:

She dies but, like, while she's eating a a crab rangoon, she's fighting the rats for the crab rangoon and in that process, basically an umlaut dresser falls on top of her.

Niq:

Yeah, yeah, the dresser, like she's turned away so she doesn't even see it and she's not standing up either. She's not standing up because I feel like if she stood up it wouldn't have been so bad. So she's kind of like crouching and this big piece of furniture falls on her and slams into the back of her head and the front of her face, like slams into the floor and she's all alone. And she's all alone and the only reason why she did not stay dead is because the neighbor like heard, like the crash and called 911. And when the neighbor comes over to see her, they're literally performing CPR on her and there's blood everywhere.

Niq:

Yeah, that was traumatic. So for me I'm just like what is this? What are we watching? That was traumatic. So for me I'm just like what is this? What are you watching? And so when you're at the hospital, she's waking up. The nurse is telling her hey, you know you can go home, but someone has to come and get you. So she calls her best friend, who does not answer the phone because he is on a date, even though he lied to her and told her he was going to a charity function. What you found out initially is that she's her own emergency contact.

Jess:

That was sad. Which was the saddest thing that was sadder for me than her getting hit with furniture.

Niq:

Like that, when she said, oh, that's my number. Like that I have never experienced anything like that in my entire life and I guess that's a beautiful thing to be able to say. But being your own emergency contact is a a loneliness that I can't explain and like that literally broke my heart. It broke my heart and so she's calling her friend. He doesn't come get her. So she eventually calls her brother.

Niq:

It's just to call him several times and he comes to pick her up and as soon as she gets in the car he starts berating her about how he's upset that he has to come and get her and the fact that she doesn't have friends who could come and pick her up from the hospital and she always needs something from him. And so to a certain extent I can understand feeling like you are the sibling. That is always like doing for the other sibling and they just don't want to get their stuff together. And it's not that I want to completely disregard his feelings, but there is no way that I could be in the hospital for anything, anything, and one of my siblings or my friends would not move heaven and earth to be there If I had a splinter. I know that there's seven people I can call and who will come and sit by my bed while the doctor is like needling in there and I'm going ooh, ooh, ooh, and so that once again that hurt.

Jess:

That did hurt. That was hard to watch. The hospital staff offered us jobs while you were giving birth.

Niq:

They did. You guys were my superstar support team, holding my legs in the air, doing everything. The nurses, like they did, like did the medical stuff, but that was it. You guys did everything else and I was never alone for one moment, from the time I went into the hospital until the time that I left.

Jess:

I do agree with you that this part that was hard to watch. As a person, I have a very close community, but even though me and my sibling are not as close as you and yours, there's no way that he would come pick me up from the hospital if I needed him. And he wouldn't make me feel bad about it. In that moment I'm like, if anything, your brother would be cracking jokes.

Niq:

He would absolutely, but he would never make you feel bad.

Jess:

You're right about being hip to come pick me up at the hospital. That was crazy to me. The expectation that her friends come get her from the hospital instead of her brother was crazy to me.

Niq:

Yes, especially because they obviously live in proximity to each other. Like you, live out of Planes, trains and automobiles, right?

Niq:

You live out of states. You know what I mean From your sibling, but they would still come if they needed to. Absolutely. I live in proximity to one sibling and not in proximity to another sibling, and whenever I've told my brother about different things that I've gone through, I always tell him way after the fact, the first thing he says is why didn't you call me? Why didn't you tell me? You know even my dad I was telling my dad about like years later I was telling him about some stuff I went through in a relationship and he was like why are you acting like you don't have anybody? Why are you not telling me what's going on? And I'm like because I don't want you to end up in jail. So no, I can't tell you about stuff when it's actually happening.

Niq:

I gotta put a two-year buffer on what's going on so you don't end up locked up. But I just can't imagine.

Jess:

Let me tell you what I think is funny. And, mind you, I told you the scene where she is her own emergency contact was harder for me than her getting hit with the furniture, because that was just objectively sad. But I do find it funny that you take this really personally when you're married with a family and I'm decidedly single. So like the idea and I just only say that because the idea of dying alone is probably the only thing that bothers me is like dang if I fall down these stairs there is no one coming you know what I mean, so I get that and I relate with that, but it still seems like you took it so much harder than.

Niq:

I did, I did and I guess it's. I think it's just I don't like, I don't know. There is something so sad you know what I mean About her situation. I think it would be my nightmare probably, because, like you know, my husband and I we're a little codependent, you know, we locked in, you know, and so her situation is like nightmare fuel for me, like not having anybody in the world. I've never experienced that.

Jess:

I've always had somebody, you know, and so I don't even know how to navigate that situation yeah, no, and I mean like, even, like I said, like I played on being single for the rest of my life I'm not getting there again but even and I moved very far away from my, my natural support system but I have a community. I just got sick, you know, just like a 10-day quarantine of myself and people like can I send you soup? Do you need somebody to come? You know what I mean. So, yeah, that, the idea of having truly not even a community, yeah, that is scary, and part of what I think is the reason is the trouble with her and Rory's friendship and I know we'll get into this in more detail is just that pressure all on one person. That's a lot.

Niq:

I have thoughts about that. I knew I felt a particular way for a particular reason, but then I got evidence, so I'm excited to talk about that when the time comes. Okay, he's the worst and I have evidence to prove it.

Jess:

I disagree. That's problematic. Okay, never mind, because we're going to get to it.

Niq:

It's so juicy, it's so juicy, it's so juicy, it's so juicy. Okay, so we need to like fully set up the premise of the show, because I think we haven't talked about one thing that's very, very important. So Melissa makes the decision to go to Alex, which is her ex-boyfriend's wedding in Hawaii. She's never flown on a plane before. She has an extreme fear of flying, and so she's decided that she's going to face her fear and she's going to go to his wedding. She is beyond broke. So what she she accidentally, when she's leaving the hospital, they give her a Lisa's bag instead of her own bag, and she books a flight to Hawaiiaii on elisa's credit card yes, she does and that was when I'm like wait a minute, now I'm, I'm rooting for you, melissa I.

Niq:

that's the first time I was like have you lost your mind? Like what do you think?

Jess:

Yeah, no, there's definitely some moral issues with Melissa. You know what I mean. There's definitely. But I like that. I like that, you know, I like when they don't make the characters perfect. I don't, you know, there are no perfect people.

Niq:

So there she is a big part of the reason why her life is the way that it is. She is 100% the reason why her life is the way that it is Now. Does she have extenuating circumstances? She does, but she, honestly, is her own worst enemy, and that's after meeting her mama. I still think that she is her own worst enemy and that's after meeting her mama. I still think that she is her own Number two. Her mom, no, okay, so no, she is her own worst enemy. Number two is a three-way tie between her mama, her brother and her alleged best friend. It's a three-way tie, but she is her own worst enemy. I just this is going to sound. I don't know how it's going to sound, but I'm going to say it.

Niq:

I don't know a lot of Black women like her.

Jess:

Okay and well, no, actually okay, now that I've moved and I've experienced the rest of the world. Yeah, I'm experiencing different things. That's not the Black women that typically are in my circle and that's not the Black women that I typically, you know, am acquainted with, but I have been made aware that they do exist. But I also like that, because one of the things and I'm pretty sure so, if you don't, natasha Rothwell was on Insecure, which was done by Issa Rae, and I'm struggling to remember whether or not this was an interview with both her and Issa Rae or just Issa Rae, but either way, one of the things that she put out there that I think Natasha also does is not having to be a perfect Black woman, and I think that's one of the elements that I love about this show is that, no, she's messed up, she's got issues.

Jess:

She's got some character issues that need to be worked out. You know what I mean? She's got some stuff, that she's got big areas needing to grow, which I like. I like showing different elements that we are not all you know, because while there's a lot of us who are like superstars and striving as hard as we can against the world, that's all constantly fighting us. Yeah, some of us are not perfect, and that is okay.

Niq:

I definitely. It's not perfection, it's. I don't understand. What are you doing with your life? And, yes, everything you said is correct, everything that you said is correct, but I guess there are things that are so deeply ingrained in me. I'm like, girl, you are 35. Did you not go to college? Why don't you have a master's degree? What are you doing with your life? I'm just like you're talking about, like oh, you were working at a Thai restaurant. As a grown woman, I'm just like I'm like she doesn't have any children. What are you doing with your time?

Jess:

This is a great life.

Niq:

She is just truly waiting, right, and I'm like I this is probably going to sound classist, I don't know For the class that it seems that she's in I expect more out of her. You know, because there are other like. Like if you are someone who starts out in a lower class, you may not understand things, you don't have access to things. You have to like it's harder for you. You know what I mean. Like if you are the first person. I'm basing it on the mom, who seems to have like herself together, somewhat Like, not fully mentally, but she seems to be together. Her brother is very much giving college educated.

Jess:

Yeah, but he also gives me first, you know, first generation college.

Niq:

Yes, I agree, but I was the first to go to college. But that made it easier for my sister because I had already navigated it Like we were trying to. We were literally figuring it out, me and my mom you know what I mean. And so then, when it was time for my sister, it was easier.

Jess:

It was easier when you and your mom were willing to help your sister. You got a mom and brother who treat her like crap. You know what I mean. Like yes, for most siblings that would make it easier, but he is hell-bent on, you know, not helping her so that he can continue to complain about her to me.

Niq:

You know I guess that's a good point.

Jess:

So, like, if you don't like, not everybody reaches their hand back and lifts anybody up. You know, I think he likes being the good one, the star, so he can sit there and pretend like he's you know the best thing in the world and he can complain about her.

Niq:

And she said that. I think she said mom didn't put you on a pedestal, but she made sure that I was so low that I would always have to look up to you.

Jess:

Or that you could always look down on me.

Niq:

Yeah, essentially, and so I'm just like yikes. But yeah, so I'm just like girl, what are you doing?

Jess:

But like you got to see how both of them do that. So then him going to college, because he does give me college educated too, but and she seems like somebody who would have done well in college, but you had she's had to navigate everything herself, and while he might give her five, ten dollars here and there to make up in me, he's not gonna do nothing.

Niq:

That's really gonna pull her up yeah, I guess I can say that that makes sense. So, yeah, there's like I've been like working through the disconnect that I feel with her, as much as I empathize, and then like I'm just like rooting for her so hard, but then like she goes and she does something. I'm like girl, what are you? But then she goes and she does something. I'm like girl, what are you, melissa? What are you?

Jess:

doing Melissa? Come on, no, she does she does something Credit card.

Niq:

Oh, okay, another thing she does. That. I'm just like, what are you doing? She steals her brother's social security number so that he can co-sign on her hospital loan.

Jess:

Okay, let me tell you why I didn't understand that. This is why I didn't understand that. I'm like she acted like that hospital bill needs to be paid tomorrow. I'm like it's a hospital bill.

Niq:

I first of all you should have told them hey, I don't make that much money. And one renegotiated that bill because it was like $30,000 and you didn't even stay overnight. That's crazy. She should have called her insurance company and had them negotiate the bill down. Or she should have called and said, hey, I can't pay this bill, but also, girl, they would have had to chase me down for that money, all the other bills you got piling up are more important than the hospital bill.

Jess:

They can't put it on your credit. Why are you acting like this hospital bill is the end of the world. Let that thing sit, yeah.

Niq:

I didn't understand.

Jess:

Even like the having to have a credit to do the payment plan, like, okay, so I don't have a guarantor, so y'all just don't want to get your money.

Niq:

The hospital eventually will be like, oh well, we need to you know what I mean, Right, Because I'm like you're not taking out a loan to pay the hospital bill. I thought, yeah, I didn't understand, Like there was like, but even if you, for whatever reason she had, and she told me about that she told the dude that she was in the high-flying class. I was like, even if I had done it, I would never admit that, no, but it's once again like she's making these decisions, and I'm like Melissa. What are we doing?

Niq:

here, and I mean like maybe you should have called your mom and asked her to be a guarantor. Maybe you should have called your mom and told her that you died. For three minutes.

Jess:

The way her mom talks to her. I can understand she never wants to bring anything to her. It's not comforting, you know what I mean, Like it's not really safe. I mean, and sadly she didn't ask her brother either, she just stole his social security number because again, asking them for anything is a lot. But that hospital bill was not an emergency.

Niq:

It wasn't, they were holding you in the hospital. You couldn't leave until you paid it. Yeah, I didn't understand why she let that weigh so heavily. Yeah, her decision making is very off.

Jess:

But again, like what does she? You know, I think it's hard to connect. It's easy to connect with her on like the surface level because like, yeah, both overweight black women in America, it's a lot. But I think where the disconnect comes from is that we've always had people in those different steps, in those different areas that can give us she has nobody right and I don't.

Jess:

I guess I just can't that's the bridge, that like so yeah, so you really don't know that that house will be fine, it's not going to go on your credit. There's nothing they can do, but just send you notices.

Niq:

So there's something that she says, reoccurring through the show She'll say to someone that they don't really know her. She said it to Alex, I think she said it to her brother. She might have even said it to Rory, but I'm not sure about that. But my question is she keeps saying that. Oh, I think maybe even Terrence, maybe she keeps telling people that they don't know her and my question is does she know her?

Jess:

Does she know herself? No, she does not, I don't think so. I think this whole story is her kind of going through this process of journey of getting to know herself, getting to know who she is. But I also think she doesn't show her full self because her self-esteem is so low. She does not show her full self to people.

Niq:

What is she hiding, though, other than her criminal activities? I'm like what?

Jess:

She's not hiding the criminal activities. She tells multiple people.

Niq:

I'm like what is she hiding? Because we see her when she's alone, we see her when she's around other people, through the magical realism. We get like a lot of her thoughts and her feelings and I don't really understand or see what she's hiding?

Jess:

I don't know that she's hiding, or she just doesn't feel worthy of a lot of things. You know what I mean. Know that she's hiding or she just doesn't feel worthy of a lot of things? You know what I mean. Like she can't fully be herself or in relationship with Alice because she doesn't feel worthy of it. She doesn't feel worthy of people caring about her. She doesn't feel worthy of people, you know, supporting her. So then she kind of resorts to some of these tricks and stuff to get her needs met, but she doesn't feel worthy of people just genuinely caring about her.

Niq:

And so when she's saying, you don't really know me. What she's saying is you think I'm worth more than I actually am.

Jess:

To me.

Niq:

I'm really worthless, and if you really knew me, you wouldn't invest in me.

Jess:

She almost says that exactly when she's describing why she broke things off with Alex. When she's talking to Roy, she's saying, like you know, I had to break it off with him before he broke it off with me because in two months he would know, he would see who I really am and he would leave me she also said it's exhausting like being this version of me for him and I'm just like I wonder I would have loved a little bit like more understanding, because I'm, like you seem very happy.

Niq:

You know what I mean. And so is that where the pretending is, like you know, when you're with him you're pretending to be happier than you really are. What was exhausting? Because it seems like you're enjoying yourself. She was like all up in his grill. So what was exhausting about being that version of yourself? You know, because being pretending is hard and it's work and it's exhausting. So I'm like, were you not really happy? Where was the exhaustion coming from?

Jess:

Maybe not being comfortable to be her full self, maybe so, because I'm not one who wants her to end up with Alex Same. I think that there's benefits for her on the show, whether or not it's that time period that they met in and just missing their moment, which I do think is a big element of it, or herself, and well, I think it's both. She missed her moment with him, but then she also did not have the confidence to, or self-esteem to, carry off that relationship. You know what I mean. So like she felt so low that, yeah, it would be taxing on her because she's constantly questioning why he's with her or if he's real and all this kind of stuff. There's probably a whole bunch of mental stuff going on with her because she cannot accept that somebody like him loves her.

Niq:

I don't think that they're compatible.

Jess:

You don't think that they're compatible.

Niq:

No, we can talk more about that when we get into the relationships. But I agree, I don't want them together and I don't think that they are compatible. If she's going to be the person that she wants to be, okay, okay. Well, yes, we'll get into that Last thing.

Jess:

I would like to talk about, just about the storytelling aspect of it. It's not something we talk about, so I'm throwing this at you a little bit, but the music in the show I feel like is really good in the storytelling like the soundtrack of this show is amazing. But one of my favorite moments of that and I don't know if you know, you know, pay attention to this song but in the moment where she's kind of going through the breakup with rory, her best best friend, there's a song playing in the background. I think it's by James Blake. It was like in the end it was Friends who Broke my Heart and it's like, oh my God, it's like almost this really kind of ethereal, eerie sounding song that's playing in the background and then it gets louder as they kind of break up. And there's so many moments like that with different music in the show that I'm just like the music feels like also part of that magical nature of the storytelling, all of that, and I love the choices that they made as far as music.

Niq:

I was just excited to hear Angel's Margarita song in the show.

Jess:

Girl, girl.

Niq:

I was so proud of her. Oh perfect.

Jess:

That starts off one of the episodes. Give me one Margarita. That song Perfect choice for that episode. I loved it. Did you notice the music?

Niq:

I did. I think I'm right. Was Natasha Rothwell not also a writer on Insecure I?

Jess:

think so yeah.

Niq:

One of the things that Insecure, I think so yeah, and so one of the things that Insecure did also was they allowed their music to help further the story, and so I definitely picked up on it. I definitely and I'm like, oh, I think that that was like the if you were going to take any aspect and have any correlation with insecure, I definitely think using music to further your storytelling was beautiful. Yes, I think the music, I think it made like because they use it in like the magical, like realism, like vignettes and scenes. It was, it was it. It did add a layer because, once again, yes, the show was a comedy, but it it took me through like emotional roller coasters and not all of them were bad. Some of them were like just beautiful emotional moments, Like when were bad. Some of them were like just beautiful emotional moments, like when she's on the airplane simulator. You know like there was so many emotional moments.

Jess:

What was that moment though? Wonderful storytelling, wonderful like just seeing her community, seeing her build that it was beautiful. That was one of my favorite moments of the show too.

Niq:

Yeah, me too. I really, really loved it. And so one of the things we were talking about when we were in pre-production was we were talking about how healing is not linear. And so in the beginning of the show, the first episode, I would say she's pretty darn near at rock bottom, yeah. And so she's realizing that she needs to make a change and she's making changes and you kind of see throughout the season that she's taking a step forward, she's taking a step back, she's trying things, she's getting nervous, she's pulled back.

Niq:

Like she gets into like toxic kind of behaviors, like I feel like that tryst with the fruit of the agricultural security guard I feel like that was like to me getting back to like that her talk more toxic behavior, because she wasn't looking for anything other than a tryst, you know, as a way to try to get over her feelings. I feel like for Alex, and you know so, but I think that that made a lot of sense to me how healing is not linear and you're going to have ups and downs and you may be on a winning streak and then you may fall all the way back. Yeah, so I did like how they illustrated that?

Jess:

Yeah, I did. I enjoyed that. I enjoyed that sort of two steps forward, two steps back element within the story because it felt really real and maybe that's it too part of the why it doesn't feel like a palate cleanser, because her movement through this process of healing feels very real, because it's not just this sharp turn up, you know what I mean. She's going back and forth, she's stumbling with things, she's messing things up, you know.

Niq:

I think you know there's a common thread do in the show. This is what do the things that you're afraid of, or do something that's gonna make you scared or something like that. And I honestly, like her situation, I think touches on deep fears that I have of like being a failure, being alone. You know what I mean. Like her as a character, I think it touches on deep fears that I have and so I think that's why, like watching the show, like my anxiety is like, oh my God, what is she going to do? How is she going to make it? Make it, you know, and that's interesting because I I have not experienced that in a show. I don't know ever.

Jess:

Oh well, I don't know how good this show is.

Niq:

The show is it is a great. It's a great show. It is. It's just not the show I thought I was watching. What you sold me, which was I thought I was watching, is that what you sold me? I thought I was watching a travel comedy about someone who had never traveled before and she was going to have all of these adventures in all of this different place, and instead it was like a woman who was completely broken and trying to like, with her fingernails, pull herself up out of a. Well, but there's laughter, okay.

Jess:

I can't, I can't.

Niq:

So once again, cannot recommend the show enough. I think it's a great show and it's just the fact that my husband was hearing snippets and he was just walking by I feel was hearing snippets and like he was like just walking by, I feel like trying to hear more and more, like it lets you know like how good the show is. Like he's like literally ear hustling the show and he's like I think I need to watch that and I'm like I think you do.

Jess:

I do want to know. Let me know what his response is. But, same, you know, I always do my rewatch when I'm getting my hair done with one of my friends and so same, like she really enjoyed it, laughed the whole time. We really had a good time with the show and I was like, okay, I'm not crazy, it is funny.

Niq:

So she didn't have any emotional reactions.

Jess:

Yeah, you know what? Yes, yes, she did. She had the emotional reaction at one of the same places we did with not having emergency contact. I'm sure there was a few others, but that was the strongest one. Oh, and then too, yeah, I think she feels the same way you do about the best friend character.

Niq:

As a matter of fact, I think in the next episode we need to get into relationships.

Jess:

How does that sound, that sounds wonderful.

Niq:

Alright, awesome. Okay, guys, tune in for our next episode where we're going to be discussing how to get how to dial on the relationships in the show. Alright, see you next time. Bye, guys.